Thank God that this semester has come to an end. I apologize to anyone who tries to catch up with me via this live journal; It's been disapointing in terms of postings. I finally feel like I can catch my breath since today I finished my finals.

I'm so exhausted, so I will update this more later...but Happy Holidays to everyone, and I hope to catch up with some WMSBG people soon. I miss you all.

mike

The misery and torment of the past seems to plauge my present. I am often find myself trying to remove myself from my own past, but try as I might I am bound to the pages of time. The moments of joy, pleasure, sorrow, and pain will always be there. The words I said, the places I went, the interactions I shared are all indelibly scribed into my being.

I want the prison of the past to grant me amnesty so that I can have a sense of forward motion. The stagnation haults progression; it haults life. I need for the past to be less tangible. I realize, now more so than ever, that my past shaped the person I am today. I do not regret at all the building blocks of the past cementing into place the virtues, values, and character traits that have constructed the Mike Scott I am proud to be. I just feel this sense of urgency for memories and people who hold me back to fade into the darkness...to be forgotten forever...

This is by no means a cry out for help. I am not morbidly depressed, or deeply bothered by my past. This is purely written on annoyance. I just want to move on. Despite the hinderances of the past, I push myself to perservere and triumph.

More Later...

P.S. I hate Valentines Day, and drama...

Well, today appeared to be no different than any other day. I was once again approached, and questioned about my sexuality. "So, Mike...do you even like girls?". The answer is YES. I am not gay.

I am not blind or oblivious to the steriotypes. Perhaps the way I talk (so I've been told) can lead you to believe that. Something over which I have no control I might add. Perhaps it's my mannerisms. Perhaps, I am too sensitive and emotional for my own good. But, for whatever reason. I am assumed gay.

Why don't you have a girlfriend? so many ask me. Well, firstly I would like to thank everyone for bringing to the foreground the fact that I am alone. I honestly don't know why I don't have a girlfriend. I think I am a good, decenet, and genuine guy. I try to be empathetic and caring at the same time lighthearted and fun to be around. However, try as I might, the "we're too good of friends" speech comes even before I could begin to acquire enough courage to confess any feelings that may be there. Moreover, the few times I have actually confessed any feelings to a girl, I get that very same "were too good of friends" speech (or I don't want to risk loosing our friendship).

I don't know why people feel that way. Am I honestly that good of a friend? And some of these girls who feed me that line, will never or have never been there like a friend should. To be honest, and I have been told this on several occaisions, I don't have the "looks". Granted I am aware that I am no super model, but am I truly this beast that no one could picture themselves with in a more intimate setting? I guess not.

I don't know why I worry about this so much, I am after all only 19 years old. However, the thought does cross my mind that maybe I am destined for lonliness. Perhaps I will always serve the role of best friend, never boyfriend...or anything else for that matter.

I'm really frustrated now, so I'm gonna end here. Just Fuck It..

I hate being here...

I'll be back at school soon.

No offense to my buddies here...it's just not the same, and I'm sick of it.

TAKE ME BACK TO CNU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-the end

This holiday seems to get even more anti-climatic each year. I don't understand why it just seems to lose more excitement and magic each year. Really, this is just another day...I was really glad to see my family. Oddly enough, it was a rather pleasant Christmas. I was not belittled by my mother and the horrific fallacies of my personality were not shed to light...lol. She has a way of making me feel like dirt at times...and it usually comes out at Christmas for some reason.

I did get to see Jeanie and Michelle. My faveorite sisters. It was good to do our Christmas movie tradition. It's truly wonderful. It made me realize old times. Oh well...

Till next year...

DRAMA

Definition:
[n] the quality of being arresting or highly emotional
[n] the literary genre of works intended for the theater
[n] a dramatic work intended for performance by actors on a stage; "he wrote several plays but only one was produced on Broadway"
[n] an episode that is turbulent or highly emotional

That last definition is what bothers me the most. Why do we put ourselves through it? Why do other people facilitate it? Why is there a constant need for drama in our lives...?

I, for one, am sick of being a victim of said drama. I don't mind helping people through their drama; I'm a good friend and love to support my buddies in any way possible. HOWEVER, I detest being placed in the middle of drama.

Do you ever find yourselves in that situation? You leave people and places for a while to persue your own life. But, upon your return, for example winter break, everything is completely different. I am not one who is against change. Change is normal; people, places, opinions, all change. Nothing should ever remain stagnent. That simply is not the world in which we live. I realize that when I return home that the circumstances in which I left will not be as I returned. Knowing that I have not been here, how could anyone expect me to understand what on Earth has been going on?

This brings me to my first point. That is: Don't place innocent people in drama that is too complicated for them to begin to understand! That's pretty simple, I believe. People do not seem to realize that is hard for anyone to be sympathetic to one side of the story. What that means essentially is you have to dig up and talk to everyone before you can formulate an unbiased opinion. After doing that, you're expected to pick sides. That just is not fair.

Now, I know Life isn't fair. But, I do expect that people would go out of their way to screen their friends from drama.

Point number two: Don't place blame of your drama on others. Really, if it is your fault, admit it. It is so much easier. You can keep your dignity intact, and possibly try to rebuild anything damaged by the drama. Lying sucks...plain and simple. Don't do it, but if you happened to get caught in one first, own up to it, then apologize. It's easier...don't complicate lies with other lies...it creates more drama, and our generation would live longer without drama.

Thirdly, and most importantly AVOID DRAMA AT ALL COSTS. I know that sounds a bit unrealistic, but there are steps we can take to prevent drama from happening. I think we all need to learn how to be decent and honest to one another. When I say honest, I mean blunt. People may think you're a bitch or a bastard or whatever, but atleast you're honest. Be honest with yourself. Lying to yourself can cause Drama you don't need.

I'm not God, or by any means perfect. I just wish sometimes that the people we love and respect the most would stop trying to pull us apart with this drama. I have so much "drama" to deal with at school. I am an R.A.--it's my job. When I come home on break, I just want to be free of it. It frustrates me to deal with trivial problems, and minute concerns when I'll just be gone in 3 weeks anyway. And even if I weren't, it's just not fair to be put into a situation that makes you uncomfortable at the expense of making someone else feel better.

On a Happy note, it has been a good break for the most part. I am on Dean's List for my spectacular 3.5 GPA this semester. Those of you who know me and about my work ethic this semester, this is as shocking to me as it probabally is to you. I have made some new goals, too. I need to work on my physical health, and I need to go the gym and just do it, not talk about doing it. No sense in that. I also want to keep my grades super high. I am a smart guy, and my gpa should reflect that so grad schools can see I'm a smart guy--atleast on paper. I just feel like coming to CNU was the best thing for me. I miss all you guys immensely. My brothers,my bitchy res life staff (ya know I love you guys), and my girls who've been there since day 1. I have to admit, it is weird eating lunch by myself in front of the tv and not being greeted by Miss Linda, and having "heart-to-heart" conversations with my colleagues. On Tuesday I had a leftovers for lunch--not chicken parmasean...it was really sad.

But I will be back soon, and hopefully we can all be refreshed. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the break, and has a Merry Christmas. I MISS YOU ALL.

Later guys---

Well, I'm back in Williamsburg, yet again, for a soon to be memorable Scott Family Christmas! I wish I were more excited. Although, I'm really happy to be home and free of work, so much of my life is in Newport News. Honestly, I feel like I'm leaving a lot behind for this. I just hope I can avoid the drama here, and enjoy the much needed break.

I'll miss everyone, and we'll all be back together much sooner than we all realize. I hope everyone has a great Holiday, and good luck on exams!

later guys--

The other night I decided to take a walk around the campus. My coat zipped up all the way for the first time I can remember in a long time. I slowly sipped my coffee to warm my body from the crisp autumn wind. Everything was so fresh; the air smelled so clean. Despite being alone, it was the most complete I had felt in a long time.

I walked very slowly and deliberately to take in my surroundings. The sun was slowly disappearing. I casted a glance to the sky to appreciate the beautiful pastel colors that so often I take for granted. The soft blues and pinks consoled me. Feeling at peace I sat down, and let the colors of the sky soak into my being. For some reason, my worries escaped me. I was set free from all that consumed my brain. Everything miserable and uncertain left me. The chains of all that which enslaves me were released for that momment.

Not wanting to waste this precious and rare occaision, I sincerely thought about my life. I noticed on my walk the changing campus. It is so different now than just a year ago. I resented this change though, but why? Had I not changed with it? Physically, I look older, and without a doubt I am very much a different person than I used to be. I often ask myself "Who are you, Mike Scott?" There is, however, no cut and dry answer. Much like this campus I had evolved. Though many may be nostalgic and reminscant of the way life used to be, we must forge on. I really like who I am becoming, why do I resist the change?

As I was thinking up answers I realized I was letting go what is truly important. Change isn't it the issue. As much as things, change they do stay the same. By this time, the beautiful colors had faded away into darkness. However the night sky had a dusting of stars. It was as if an Artist had lightly brushed them on that night canvas. I was no longer alone. Each star, like the important people in my lives, were lighting my path. In each glimmer I could see a smile of a friend trying to help me out. Not only that, through the darkness that was my life, they never ceased to shine through. Even if I can't always see them, they are always shining through, and unlike stars, my friends will never stop shining. They will always light my path home, but it is up to me to take time to notice.

This intense bond with nature renewed my hope to carry on. It was almost if I had an awakening. After being dormant so long, I was finally awake. I took my final sip of coffee, and decided to trek back to my home. Before I went I looked up a final time to the sky. I saw the stars, and I knew that I had never been alone, and I never will be...

So, I'm really sick of Williamsburg, and for once it's not the people. This place is the most boring town alive. Everything except IHOP and Sonics closes at 9PM! I really don't think it helps that I work at the library. My job is for the most part very boring, but it pays very well. I don't really care about my job anymore though, I wanna go back to CNU and start working on RA stuff, and of course Music and French. I've never wanted to start classes again so badly before in my life, however I really only have a couple of weeks left before I go. How scary is that?

So yesterday, I got in my first fender bender. From my reactions you would have thought it was a 45 car pile up. I SOBBED, so hard, it wasn't even funny. (Well, if you had been there, I know you'd have laughed). But, the State Trooper was like "It's all right son, This won't go on your record; It's pretty clear what happened." He was really nice, but how can you be mean to a 6'4 247 lb man crying in the middle of an interstate off ramp? LOL. It was very very eventful. AND, as if that day could not become any worse; it did. It seems that on my credit report are my dad's credit obligations and stuff. It's bad enough to where on my day off MOnday, I need to apply for a new SS#. I couldn't think of anything else better to do with my time then shift through bureaucratical shit for 4 hours on my day off. GRRRREEEAAT!

Well enough ranting...there have been good times here. It's been great catching up with Becky, Tristen, Jeanie and Michelle. I miss all you guys, and Summer would have most definitely been different had you not be here to share it with me. I really miss people like Heather and Kristen and David who's in French Camp (haha j/k it's Governor's School---a big deal), and Tara. I really really miss CNU kids. Amanda, my love!!! CALL ME. AND Diana I hope everything is okay with you. I miss music and french kids. It's just CNU is home now. Not Williamsburg. I don't think I'll live in my house ever again...it's just weird that way. But, anyway, I am going to get off of here, and try to be productive. So, I lied I'm going to sleep.

I don't know why I can't sleep. It's been a pretty busy summer, and once again I have neglected the readers of my journal. I'm not too sure people read it anymore anyway, but alas I type to sort out emotions/feelings.

Things are so different now. I've been back home for over a month, and the more I am here the more I realize I'm not home. It just doesn't fit like normal. It's weird having to pencil in my friends. I miss the randomness that I had at CNU. I miss freedom, and most of all I miss my friends.

Although my freshman year presented many challenges...to say the least. I got through it okay. I am a more mature, well rounded, guy. It is amazing what a few short months can change about a person. I guess I feel like I am more open minded and more accepting to new ideas,people, and of course any new obstacles.

Right now I am working at the City Library. I like it okay. I just shelve books, and check in materials. It is boring as hell, but I remind myself I make close to 9 dollars an hour, which is pretty good money, I think. Anyway, I find myself reading a lot. That is a plus. I find that after reading in French for so long, that I really can breeze through an English Novel.

Speaking of French, I think that is going to be my major. Everytime I look at music, I have to give up something else. It's just not worth it in the end. I mean to be realistic to spend 40 grand on an education to make 32,000 dollars a year; I feel like I could find a more lucrative job. Also, revisiting my high school band has helped me make that decision. I'd have to settle with mediocrity. I'm too much a perfectionist to deal with growing players. I also have to get my wisdom teeth out, w hich will put me out of playing for a month. I just cannot afford that. Although I will miss music dearly, I can still have a strong passion for it and support it.

My love life is still non existant for the most part. I'm not looking too hard. I will find a girl or she will find me eventually. I'm not worried about it really I go back to school for RA training Aug 8. So there isn't much time for a relationship in Wburg.

On a disturbing note: this guy at Starbucks I frequent hits on me a lot. I don't like it. It creeps me out. So my friend Becky and I pretend to go out in front f him t make me feel more secure. lol.

Well, I'm tired of typing; you're tired of reading. Let's call it a night.

Later Sports' Fans!